"Why is it, that sometimes you can do everything right, and a guy still won’t commit?"

the grand question of commitment strikes again

Dear Mary Margaret,

Why is it, that sometimes you can do everything right, and a guy still won’t commit? A few weeks ago, I met the perfect guy: tall, handsome, former marine, driven, funny, etc. and he just led me on for three weeks. Turns out he took me on two amazing dates just to “be polite”. Why do guys do that? It’s a total punch in the gut.

- reader

Dear reader,

Thank you so much for sharing part of your story with me. The question of commitment is a common issue I have noticed and experienced in dating today. First, I want to encourage you, that you are not alone, and there is nothing wrong with you. The heartache you are experiencing is valid, and I am so sorry that you are having to walk through this.

It can be so painful to have a connection with someone and then have it either not reciprocated or suddenly cut off. I want to reiterate that there is nothing wrong with you; it is likely that this was just not the right person for you.

Before I jump into why men can have trouble committing, I also want to emphasize that men are not the issue, sin is the issue. Unfortunately, due to the fallen condition we live in, sin infiltrates every area of our lives—including dating. My youth pastor used to say, “Sin is like a spilled paint can, messy, and it gets everywhere.” This is very true, so as believers we need to navigate all relationships, but especially dating relationships with intentional clarity and grace towards others.

I’m not saying this to justify his actions (or any man’s slanderous actions), but rather to remind us that:

^“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Ephesians 6:12

At the end of the day, we wrestle not with flesh and blood—i.e., men are not the issue, sin is—but we wrestle with evil or the sin of this world.

Now as far as your question goes, "Why is it, that sometimes you can do everything right, and a guy still won’t commit?" here are some possible answers:

1. He just was not that into you

I know. It sucks. I’m so sorry, and girl I have been there too. But let’s face it, if he wanted to pursue you, he would. He could have lost interest for several reasons, and you cannot blame yourself for this. As you stated, you did nothing wrong! While he seemed like the “perfect guy,” he obviously wasn’t the right fit for you. If he was, ya’ll would still be going out— so he might have just not been that interested.

2.     He could have past trauma that he has not healed from

Past trauma, that is unworked through, can prevent people from committing. I am not an expert in this area (Taylor Joy Murray could speak more to this, whose Faith and Feelings Substack and Podcast I highly recommend), so I don’t want to say too much. But I do know that unhealed or unworked through trauma (with is probable if he was a marine or had any major childhood wounding) can cause issues with commitment.

3.     He could have things in his own life going on that you know nothing about

The truth is you really don’t know this guy. He might just have some personal things going on that you know nothing about. He might have a second identity as an FBI agent. He might be a serial killer. You never know. While he seems like Mr. Perfect from the outside, I promise no one is. It is like that episode from The Office where Michael is “Date Mike.” While his attempt at this was terrible, the underlying message is very true. When it comes to dating, people always put their best selves forward. You are basically trying to convince this person that you are worthy of a relationship with them. It is sort of like an interview. So, underneath, there may be some serious things going on that he needs to work through before he will be ready to commit to someone—Or he’s in the CIA and just passing through town and wanted a fling. I’m joking. (Or am I? ;)

4.     He is emotionally unavailable, or his emotional needs are being met by another woman

One thing that draws men and women together is their emotional connection. If he is emotionally unavailable (because of trauma, or lack of self-awareness, or just immaturity) he will likely not commit to you—or really any woman. Additionally, if his emotional needs are unhealthily already being met somewhere else (i.e., through his mom, sister, ex, or close girlfriend) he might not treasure the emotional connection he has with you. If he already has incredible connections with tons of women around him, there is no need to find that somewhere else. His emotional needs are already being met by another girl (who has likely been in his life a lot longer than you), so why invest in a risky relationship? (Also, I’m not saying this is good, I am just pointing out his potential mindset)

5.     He probably thought he was interested or ready (but then realized he wasn’t)

If this guy only took you out to “be polite,” I am genuinely so sorry. If I’m being completely blunt with you, he probably just said that instead of being honest about why he really lost interest.

There are a few scenarios I think are likely here:

a.  He was interested in you, but then after going out, for who knows why, he lost interest. But instead of being honest about why he lost interest, he played the “polite card.”

b. He might have never been interested and wanted to take you out to be polite. This is highly unlikely because that is a lot of effort for a man to put in if he sees no hope in it playing out.

c. He could have thought he was ready for a serious relationship, but then when the time comes to move forward, he realized he wasn’t ready. He liked the idea of being in a relationship but was not ready to put pen to paper. (This could be because of reasons 1-4 listed above.)

Most genuine Christian men are not intentionally going on dates and leading girls on just to hurt them. Sometimes, they might think they are more ready than they actually are, or you might just not be the right person for them to commit to.

d.  He might not be financially in the life season to provide for a woman or take on a serious relationship. I see this a lot with college students. Sometimes guys aren’t willing to commit before they are able to provide. In some ways, this is a sign of maturity on their end. They do not want to bring a woman into their life until they know they can take care of her—or at least be on trajectory to do so.

Whatever the reason was, I want to encourage you that there is nothing wrong with you. This man is clearly not your person, and I promise the Lord has something so much better in store for your life.

The right person will want to spend time with you again and again. He will love your company so much that he will desire to spend the rest of his life with you. I know this guy seemed to have it all but looks can be deceiving (and they fade ladies). Look for a man who treats others with kindness, who is emotionally available and aware, who does not overcommit, but follows through on his word, who walks humbly and genuinely seeks the Lord.

I know it does not feel like it, but there are still so many incredible guys out there even if you haven’t met them yet. (And you probably have met some, they likely just aren’t the right fit for you). All it takes is one person. Don’t lose hope, and don’t settle for less than God’s best for you.

Xoxo,

Mary Margaret

I would love to hear part of your story! To submit your question or situation you’d like me to write on (anonymously ofc), click here: Submit Anonymously Here :) Or feel to email me back or message me on Instagram or Substack! I would LOVE to connect with you!