"How do you wisely navigate friendships with the opposite gender?"
guy friends, situationships, and the ugly truths of boundaries gone wrong
The challenging part of opposite gender friendships is that they typically always end up shifting. Here is what I mean:
Once one of you starts seriously dating someone else, the dynamic of your friendship shifts. You might not have the closeness you once shared, because your friend now has a girlfriend or boyfriend.
This shift is natural and healthy! It reflects the newfound intimacy and commitment that one has chosen to pursue with their new partner. You as their friend should no longer be their first call, and if they are calling you before their partner, there is probably an unhealthy dynamic within their dating relationship.
Biblically, within marriage, we are told to “leave and cleave,” but our dating relationships should progressively begin to model this type of loyalty as the relationship progresses. Genesis 2:24 states, “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”
In the Greek (the Septuagint translation of the OT), the word used for “be united to” can also be translated to mean “cleave, cling, stick, or hold onto.” It is the same verb used in Deuteronomy 11:22 which states, “If you carefully observe all these commands I am giving you to follow—to love the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him and to hold fast to him…”
The Lord expects an exclusive love and devotion from us, and this type of union should also be modeled within the marriage relationship. Arguably, this level of devotion and loyalty cannot healthily be carried out while having BEST friends of the opposite gender.
Another painful shift that can happen within guy-girl friendships is the dreaded catching feelings. You get a heart sparkle for your guy best friend, and tragically, he does not feel the same way. So, you are left to wallow in self-pity or set boundaries and limit time spent with him until the dust settles.
This change does not always happen, but I am not going to sit here and pretend like it never happens. It is quite literally the elephant in the room surrounding this conversation.
So how can we navigate these challenges and potential shifts well?
Very simply, I’d say the best answer is: boundaries.
You want to guard both your heart and your time when it comes to friends of the opposite gender. You certainly still want to have them, but you need to learn how to navigate those relationships with healthy boundaries.
Here are a few examples of what that can look like:
1. Limit the amount of time you spend texting and talking on the phone with them. Remember they are just your friend, so you should not be doing so much life with them that the lines become blurred into a relationship. You should not be texting them updates every single day of the week. Instead try only to text about logistics of meeting up, and try to limit and shorten phone calls when possible.
2. Do not hang out one on one. Spending time in groups is a great way to get to know people without the pressure of more intimate feelings forming. It is so much better to genuinely be friends by only hanging out in groups than it is to act like you are dating without actually dating. You would much rather get to know this person as a friend first, and then if he’s genuinely interested—he’ll ask you out! (if you’re a guy and you become interested in a girl in your circle— ask her out! It does not have to be this big deal, just see if you guys would click on an actual date.)
3. Do not spend time together like you are dating. This really is reiterating the first two pieces of advice, but for the sake of your emotional health do not act like you are dating if you are not dating. Do not spend time together like you are a couple if you’re not a couple.
When people act like they are dating without the commitment, they end up meeting each other’s emotional needs without any commitment or responsibility. You’re basically giving this other person access to your heart, thoughts, time, and life without any commitment or accountability on their end. They could just stop texting you or hanging out with you at any point— and not even owe you a conversation because well…you weren’t actually dating. Because of this I’d encourage:
Women: Do not emotionally give yourself away to men who have not committed themselves to you. I know you love the attention, but it is not worth the potential heartache. If he is not willing to take responsibility for the beginning of the relationship and ask you out, he is likely not ready for a relationship. Do not be afraid to set boundaries with your guy friends, so you are not the one meeting their emotional needs.
Men: If you are interested in a girl, be brave and ask her on a date. Do not let a female friend fill your emotional needs. If she is filling your emotional need for connection, consider asking her on a date. If you know she is not the right girl and your friendship is starting to feel like a situationship, make sure you have clearly and kindly communicated your intentions to her, AND make sure your actions are matching your words.
Spending time together like you are dating can not only be extremely damaging for your emotional health, but it can also be very confusing for outsiders. People looking in are going to think you guys are taken, or they are going to think that emotionally your heart belongs to someone else, which even has the ability to drive out potential partners. If you look like you’re committed to your guy/girl BFF, you’re going to look committed to your guy/girl BFF… You see what I mean?
4. Make sure you are prioritizing friendships of the same gender over those of the opposite gender. Lastly, because of everything mentioned above, prioritize your friendships of the same gender over those of the opposite. These friendships are much more reliable long term because you don’t have as many changing factors. Also, if your friends of the opposite gender let you down, your girl friends (or guy if you’re a dude) will always have your back. Even when one gets married, these dynamics shift slightly, but not nearly as drastically. Your same gender friends can really be lifelong besties.
I hope this helps you moving forward. This is in no way motivated from fear of getting hurt or fear of rejection, but rather from recognizing how best to steward one’s time and heart. You should absolutely have friends of the opposite gender, but make sure they really are just friends—in action and truth ;)
Cheering you on friend! To submit your question or situation you’d like me to write on, click here: Submit Anonymously Here :)
xoxo,
Mary Margaret